i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
