I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
