so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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