i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
