he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
