i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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