y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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