Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
