How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
