woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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