I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
