I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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