I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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