Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
