I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
