I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Someone signed my nipple.
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