My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
