My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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