My hand turned me down
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
