My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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