Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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