My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
