An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
