Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
