she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
