If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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