awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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