I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
