Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
