I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
