Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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