OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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