there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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