Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
