i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
