i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
