There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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