Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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