He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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