Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
