So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I need water and some morals
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
