We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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