just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
