You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
