i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
