it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
