Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
