Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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