I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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