His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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