Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
