I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
